I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
What’s so funny?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.