I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.