DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My kids think Iβm going to miss them when they leave for college, but Iβll be busy drinking my coffee while itβs still hot.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
βFine, okay, you win!β
βI need to hear you say it.β
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you havenβt paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldnβt have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
βIβm ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!β my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.