I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues