*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?