Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
grotesque if literal: baby food
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Canadian owl: Eh?