” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
dream blunt rotation
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere