Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤