When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…