We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Thoughts
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU