Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
You Might Also Like
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
smh
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Y’all know who you are.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home