Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
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[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
They’re stuck in your pants?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
sistine chapel
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.