I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.