Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.