*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
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Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue