Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
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When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.