[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
very niche meme I made
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.