Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”