My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”