I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Yep.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed