A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
You Might Also Like
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT