I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Dead
Alive
Other✔
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.