Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Waiting for the Charmin
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
こいつ天才
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.