[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
They’re on their honeymoon
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me