u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
dutch so unserious
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
🤭😂
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.