lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
You Might Also Like
Proctology is located in A55
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.