My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.