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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
teach a man to fish and he鈥檒l turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you鈥檙e an idiot
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Server: Congratulations, ma鈥檃m
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you鈥檙e eating for two
M: Oh she鈥檚 not pregnant
W: I despise you
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn鈥檛 respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I鈥檓 naming our next kid.
White Castle for the Win
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: I鈥檓 going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn鈥檛 look up from kindle]
7yo: I don鈥檛 care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn鈥檛 you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn鈥檛 get granola bars?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
馃槀
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.