Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.