You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The French cow says MEUX…
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.