Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep