*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes