Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later: