sounds kinky. i’m in.
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house