I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
You Might Also Like
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.