[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.