Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.