Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house