ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
what the