you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.