Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
BRAKING NEWS!!
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.