[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.