The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
You Might Also Like
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
as is their right
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*