I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.