Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.