what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
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My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*Seductively hides in the woods
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not