I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
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printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.