*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
This kid will have a bright future.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
me when i see my girls butt
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.