Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Jurassic park gets weird
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man