9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
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ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed